I sit on the opposite end of the bed while he sleeps and ponder on random thoughts which seem to pass through my restless mind, but all are short and fleeting. The night grows old (or is it just me that does not feel young anymore?) and the smell of the curry I cooked earlier still hangs in the air of the apartment on the 41st floor.
The exterminator was called in last Friday to get rid of the roach infestation that came with the contract that the tenants signed. Somehow, it seems a few who went rogue are still turning up - although only for a brief moment because they fall on their backs and curl up within minutes of showing up on the stained beige carpet.
(Hmm, wouldn't that mean that the chemical they sprayed to kill the pests is still there even after five days? Gee, I'm curious about how it would affect me.)
Knowing myself too well, I realize that the past few days of isolation which I have been craving for means that there is something at the back of my mind. Something which I haven't yet put my finger on, but yet it is a thought which is playing hide and seek with my conscious mind and only surfaces in dreams when I fall asleep.
Going through a dream that feels like it started from the moment you fell asleep until the very moment you stir is surreal. Maybe because when I wake up it is as though I never slept at all. The frustrating part is, if I have not forgotten what I was dreaming about when I open my eyes, I forget the recap in a matter of minutes.
(What if I have been having the same dream over and over again?)
I want to go home to my family for Christmas. I want to finish my studies and find a job, yet at the same time I don't want to stop studying. For the umpteenth time, I miss my Duke.
Ironically, for someone who couldn't wait to prove her independence, I am now feeling homesick to the bone.
(I really miss my daddy.)
The closest I can feel to home right now is being able to chat with my brother through MSN, but communicating through a screen with radiation just isn't my idea of a comforting notion.
It's okay. For now I will just crawl back under the quilt and see what dreams I will get tonight.
Hopefully this time, I will be able to paint my own rainbow instead of just watching.
Yes, I am back to Nokia after long proclaiming my hatred for it's superbly laggy Symbian software. But it's different this time because I got it free from Three as a result of being a loyal (paying) customer.
On top of that, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. See, I've always wanted a Blackberry, and even though Three did say I could have that, they only had an old model - 8707, so this is as close as I'll get to the Crackberry for now. The software is working pretty fine and besides trying to figure out a few things from the Nokia point of view I reckon I do love this phone.
Any Nokia users out there who would care to lend a hand to a Samsung/Sony Ericsson me?
[A conversation between Joyce and her 75 year old father while at a ballet for Swan Lake.]
"But I don't understand why and how and ---"
"What is it with people these days?" he hisses, and the man beside me turns around. I whisper my apologies.
"In my day, something just was. None of this analysis a hundred times over. None of these college courses with people graduating with degrees in Whys and Hows and Becauses. Sometimes, love, you just need to forget all of those words and enrol in a little lesson called 'Thank You'. Look at this story here," he points at the stage. "Do you hear anybody here giving out about the fact that she, a woman, has been turned into a swan? Have you heard anything more ludicrous in your life?"
I shake my head smiling.
"Have you met anyone lately who happens to have been turned into a swan?"
I laugh and whisper, "No."
"Yet look at it. This bloody thing has been famous the world over for centuries. We have non-believers, atheists, intellects, cynicists, him." He nods his head at the man who shushed us. "All kinds of what-have-yous in here tonight, but all of them want to see that fella in the tights end up with that swan girl, so she'll be able to get out of that lake. Only with the love of one who has never loved before, can the spell be broken. Why? Who the hell cares why? Do you think your woman with the feathers is going to ask why? No. She's going to say thank you because then she can move on and wear nice dresses and go for walks, instead of having to peck at soggy bread in a stinky lake every day for the rest of her life."
I have been stunned to silence.
"Now, whisht, we're missing the performance. She wants to kill herself now, look? Talk about being dramatic." He places his elbows on the balcony and leans in closer to the stage, his left ear tilted towards the stage more than his eyes, quite literally eavesdropping.
Cecilia Ahern - Thanks for the Memories.
It is not about you having to change yourself to adapt to the ways of the world or the whims of the people surrounding you.
Neither is it about you having to deal with contempt of others in the cruelest nature towards you all by yourself.
What it really is is being selective about word play and realizing who it is exactly you are sharing with. Not because it will lead to a life or death matter, but because not everyone knows you like we do.
It is like listening to a conversation between a rooster and a dog. The dog will never know what it is like to lay an egg, and the chicken will never comprehend what it means to be man's best friend. Of course, in the end the dog will simply assume laying an egg is equivalent to burying a bone while the rooster will wrap its mind around loyalty as though it is the same as crowing every morning at 5am.
Protection comes in many forms, and friendship is one of them.
Don't try so hard to go against the norms of the world to prove you aren't what they expect you to be. Instead, accept that friendship is a pact.
Many things about it are not able to be expressed verbally, and many more are hard to see from an outsider's point of view. Not everything that goes on within is meant to be bannered on television.
It does get awfully lonely when you're by yourself in that part of the world isn't it? Call me, if ever you need someone to talk to. And I'd talk to you not because of pity, but because I am your friend.
Much love,
Joy
Melbourne in the Winter is chilly as hell. Yet, the warmth from being with friends that I have known ever since my high school years keeps the heart at just the right temperature all throughout.
Heart the Lacoste scarf that I bought for him.
Heart the girls I was with while in Melbourne.
Heart the guy who loves me above all things - well, almost =)
Heart Fix @ Docklands.
Heart the food - Italian on Lygon, Dim Sum on Swanston, Koko Black and everything in between.
Heart the night of our Anniversary.
Heart the week long holiday ultimately.
Ah, the joys of friendship and love - may we never cease to have them both.
"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for a heart, when it breaks, it's completely silent. You would think it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of the bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.
If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it." Cecilia Ahern - If You Could See Me Now
Maybe it is true what they say - that the past should be left in the past. On the other hand, doesn't a person also have to first accept what has happened before being able to move on into the future? It would be so much easier if we weren't all so easily influenced by our wants compared to our needs. The heart may want what it wants, but if it is not good for us in its entirety then honestly, what is the point.
My dear, wouldn't it be better to expect a miracle for someone who truly deserves the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow rather than risking everything for a nonsensical reason all over again?
Yes, I have my own problems which I very well should have left in the past, but have not. There is no benefit to holding on to what you can't change, and sometimes the scar that should have healed a long time ago finds its way to the surface once again.
It may be a familiar scent, a distant memory or a deja vu situation which allows an old unwanted feeling to claw its way out. You think that with the amount of time that has already passed, you'd have numbed yourself to it by now. What happens when that is not the case?
In it's defense, to bring up something from the past should arouse the old feelings you felt before because, isn't that the way memories are supposed to stay with you? How is it a memory if all you remember are detailed facts rather than what you felt with your five senses.
Of course, it is the degree to which you allow it to affect you in the present that matters. And after that, how you make things take a turn for the better instead of the reverse.
"The farther behind I leave my past, the closer I am to forging my own character." Isabelle Eberhardt
The holidays are here again. I wonder what will happen when this Winter ends. I've seen how things can change in a matter of days, I've seen how bonds can be destroyed and rebuilt in weeks, and I've seen how a broken heart can be so easily mended by the right person in a month or two.
I'm losing my train of thoughts because I'm distraught over a simple sentence that linked my past to my future. What is left is only a decision that I will have to be strong enough to make.
Can somebody tell me what does it really take to overcome a fear that has latched itself to your insides with thorns so spiteful that when you hurt yourself to get over it, you only end up losing yourself in your doubts?
I'll find a way eventually. Not just because I have to, but also because I know I can. Happiness exists only in acceptance, and there is nothing that could make more sense than that at this moment to me.
"You need me there,
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure,
You tide me over,
With a warmth I'll not forget,
But I can only give you love."
n-dip-i-tee] noun1. An aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2. Good fortune; luck.
"When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.
When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.
And it's time you come in from the cold.
And you know that you know."
According to Kate Beckinsale (who is in my top three list of women I'd date), there's two groups we ladies can be divided into - incredible cooks and fantastic lovers.
She proudly made her claim that she's in the latter group by saying,
"I'm the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can't be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I'd rather he didn't order in the sex."
She couldn't have put it in a better way.
Tsk.
Break time's over. It's back to studying for me.
"I'll come back when you call me,
No need to say goodbye.
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before.
Pick a star on the dark horizon,
And follow the light.
You'll come back when it's over,
No need to say goodbye."
7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:
1) Feels naked if I'm not wearing my earrings.
2) Feels her day is incomplete if I don't have my white chocolate mocha.
3) Am yet to finish The Kite Runner (sorry Kelvin I know it's long overdue)
4) Studies best while listening to jazz music.
5) Am currently craving for ipoh hor fun.
6) Listening to Christmas music calms me down and makes me happy.
7) Loves drinking Lipton Peach Tea.
7 THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
1) Disappointing my loved ones.
2) Having a flying cockroach in the same room as me (My reaction when it happens: goodgriefjustkillmenow)
3) The possibility of waking up and finding that my laptop is in a coma for no particular reason.
4) Numbers and formulas on the same page.
5) The fact that I have the chance to watch my dog which I have had since he was a puppy grow up and then die before I'm even halfway through my life (And no, just because I've had dogs all my life doesn't make it any easier each time it happens all over again).
6) Getting lost with a car that has less than half a tank of petrol.
7) People who constantly talk to themselves or someone invisible.
7 RANDOM MUSIC AT THE MOMENT:
1) P.S. I Love You - Diana Krall
2) Heart of the Matter - India Arie
3) The Remedy - Jason Mraz
4) Party People - Nelly featuring Fergie
5) Happy Together - Simple Plan
6) No Time To Play - Guru
7) 不得不爱 (Bu De Bu Ai) - Wilber Pan
7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
1) Heyy
2) What the
3) What?!
4) Where got?
5) Coffee?
6) Eat what leh?
7) But why? (I know, I ask a lot of questions =p )
7 THINGS I TREASURE THE MOST:
1) My ring (because it links me to him)
2) My girlfriends.
3) My heart (so much so that I constantly use my independence as a cover for self-preservation)
4) My friends.
5) My Tony Bianco knee high boots and my Steve Madden pumps.
6) My collection of Edgar Allan Poe
7) My family.
7 “FIRST TIME” THINGS I EVER DID:
1) Moved house twice in six months.
2) Push 180kmph on the highway to and fro KLIA (maybe for others its normal but thinking back it's scary for me).
3) Stayed up the whole night and slept at 8.30am watching MU beat Chelsea when I'm a Liverpool fan.
4) Roast a turkey on my own two Christmas' ago.
5) Experience heartbreak at a level I've never known existed (when they say they will never break your heart, as mean as it may sound, never count on it).
6) Survive on microwaved dinners for a week while studying for finals during my first sem in OZ land.
7) Wear a ring on my finger while he wears the other.
Tagged by Sern Liang (suey man read both you and Elaine's blog at the same time. I'm never opening up blogs on different tabs anymore wth)
I tag: Sue (I know you'll find the time), Kelvin, Kenneth (I'm taking the chance that you'd drop by), Shannel (because you have the weekend), Stacy and Manda (in Elaine's or Sue's or my comments), Kevin, Jason and whoever else who needs a distraction from studies or work, or simply has too much time on their hands.
Excerpt from My Mum's New Boyfriend:
He says, "Look, I have quite a bit to explain to you."
She says, "Well, just tell me the truth."
And he says without a moment's hesitation, "I love you."
*sighs dreamily*
P/S: If you watch that movie, make sure you stay right until the end because when the movie wraps up and the jazz jamming session starts, you won't want to miss it (the piano is awesome, and so are the two guitars as well as the drums).
Good luck to whoever has a deadline to meet or exams to sit for.
Here's to the midnight oil we'll be burning and a social life gone.
See you guys after the twentieth!
"Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling kiss me
Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words, I love you"
wooo you're totally rocking Fix... very nice photos babe. looking stunning as usual. ;) read more
on The Freedom To Be.